The Day I Stopped Blozzing

I know that many of you don’t even know what “Blozzing” is, so I’ll give you the quick definition: To blog while drinking. It started as joke while a bunch of blogging friends of mine and I started having a weekend cocktail and started talking about how we were all trying to catch up on a ton of blog posts. It was all in good fun and spirits, and we all had a lot of laughs. It was a common denominator that helped bring us all a little bit closer.

At the same time, blozzing became something a little bit different for me. I had made mention on my social media sites that “I had to start drinking to help dull my senses as to curb my cussing around my sister, Angela.” The reason being that I wanted to reduce the amount of foul language around was to try to set a better example for her. I couldn’t tell her stop using bad language if I was still using these amazing & freeing words so carefree around her. I don’t think everyone actually realized the true struggle I was having. It was super difficult for me. I’m trying to handle my sister’s meltdowns, work, daily tasks, and it was all just so overwhelming. All of my sense were just overly exposed to too much at one time.

Enter Captain Morgan and Pepsi. Our relationship started off jovial and refreshing. It helped calm my nerves, and this cocktail was delicious at the same time. However, a down fall in our relationship started happening. I was drinking 3 to 4 cocktails every…single…day. I then realized that I wasn’t drinking for the taste, but drinking for the numbing sensation that came over me. It felt like it was easier to deal with Angela. It helped drown out her voice. It helped me not react to anything that would normally make me upset. It felt like a perfect solution to what I was having to deal with on a daily basis.

I started my first cocktail at lunch time between 12:30 and 1:30. It felt like the perfect time of the day to start. Mostly because that’s when all of the stresses of the day started. I would joke with friends and having little posts here and there, but I don’t think anybody knew that I was actually serious. I was already drinking. After I drowned the first glass, I was off to have my second round. My brain felt the nourishing and intoxicating alcohol start to run its course through my body…and it felt great. However, it made my natural coping mechanism fly right out the window. It wasn’t until after having my third cocktail that I started worrying about, “What if something happened to Angela? I couldn’t run her to the hospital because I was drunk.” That thought slowly faded away into the abyss of my brain soaking and bathing into the warm glow of my tasty cocktail. At that point, it was time for cocktail number four, that is…if I didn’t make the third cocktail super strong.

Then the inevitable happened. I drank too much too fast. I made those drinks so strong because I felt as if I was at my wits end. I was drunk before 4 O’clock. I tried eating a sandwich to help soak up some of the alcohol and then drank a glass of water. I went to my bed to lay down for a little bit, but the room was too busy spinning. So…it was off to the porcelain throne I went. Yup…there was my sandwich coming back up with all of the other liquids I consumed.

That was the last time I had a cocktail. Yes, I’ve had a few glasses of wine since then. However, it’s been almost 2 months since I’ve stopped. Though, I spent close to two months numbing myself and slowly drowning myself to not truly deal with life in the way that I was supposed to.

I spent two months doing this to myself. Two months of me doing this to Angela. Two months of letting myself down.  Two months of not dealing with the true issues at hand properly. Two months that something could have happened, and I would not have been able to help at all. I still feel so bad about it. I feel bad about the “What If’s”, but I’m thankful that nothing became of it.

Yes, I still joke about blozzing with everyone. It’s kinda fun to joke about it. It’s not fun that I had to really LIVE through the alcohol experience. I can see how people can easily become alcoholics. I don’t now if I was one or not, but I felt like I was. I felt the experience of freaking out because I was almost out and there wouldn’t be enough for my quota of the day that I needed to get through. I felt the experience of checking my credit & debit cards to see if I had enough on there to get another bottle in less than 3 days. I felt that numbing experience of life…and at the time, it was blissful. It didn’t solve anything, but it felt like it did.

I’m not afraid to drink. I just don’t like the reason of why I was drinking. I’m glad that I don’t have to drink to numb myself from reality. Honestly, I don’t even have any real reason to try to numb myself. Life is pretty great. Things are better with Angela. My life is amazing.

Life is Beautiful.